Lord, I Need to Know you

Right before Christmas last year, I hurt my back. I started chiropractic appointments right away and went to several, including massage. I had been to the chiropractor many times before and gotten help. This time something was different and my husband wanted me to find out what. I had been dealing with severe pain for about 4 months at this point.

I went to our family Doctor who took x-rays, gave me some anti-inflamatorie's and referred me to a spine specialist. When the x-rays came back fine, I moved on to the Spine Rehabilitation Center. After about 5 minutes of making me bend in all different directions and seeing my response when he did certain things, he was pretty positive I had a herniated disk. He immediately started me on therapy, gave me a stronger anti-inflammatory and a strong pain killer.

The medicine did wonders. I felt like I could live again. I knew that it was only masking the problem until I really "got better" but it felt so good in the mean time. My drugs made me extremely sick and drowsy but I didn't care. I was continuing my therapy and my therapist was pleased with my results. At this point my hips were so visibly shifted that I had to wear clothes to hide it because I was embarrassed. It literally looked like I had no hip on one side! Within a week the therapy had shifted me back. One more week and we could start more exercises!

Then, a stupid mistake. Brookie left some shoes on the second stair. I was quickly moving my way down the stairs, saw the shoes, and jumped from the 3rd stair to the floor.

Only the third stair!

I felt my back jolt and knew I shouldn't have done that.

That was a Sunday evening and I couldn't go to church. For the next week I was in agony. My sister got in on Tuesday and ran my house and took care of my kids while I hobbled around and layed on my back a lot. This was a turning point for me. Something had changed. I knew I couldn't live my life like this. My Dr. sent me for an MRI and my therapist couldn't even work on me because I was so bad. The results were a severe herniated disk and he wanted me to meet with a surgeon to discuss my options.

By Saturday, I was very depressed. I couldn't go on like this. For 6 months I had been living in agony. My house wasn't being taken care of and I could hardly dress myself. My husband was shaving my legs for me because I couldn't bend to do it. It was an awful day. For a few nights I had been sleeping on the floor in very awkward positions trying to get some relief so I could sleep. This night I couldn't find relief anywhere I laid. I wandered around the house, trying laying in different positions in different rooms, beds and couches. My whole body was jittery because I was so tense. My sweet husband, with me and serving me through the past 6 months, followed me around the house even though I told him to please go to bed. In my state of mind I'm sure he was afraid I would kill myself! :) I knew something had to change and I was pretty sure it was going to be surgery.

At some point during the night (we were up and down until almost 4am), my husband very sweetly told me something that really changed my life.

He said, "babe, I think it would help if you changed your perspective on this. Think of the other good things in your life that you have to be thankful for."

I knew he was right. God forbid one of my children have to go through what I did---but it was me, and I was grateful for that. I started to pray and cry to God, thanking him for all he had given me in life. I really broke down and decided that I was going to change my heart and my spirit.

Despite the awful night, we dragged ourselves out of bed to go to church that morning. Songs that I had hardly paid attention to now meant so much to me. Songs about how good God is, and Heaven to look forward to. I cried a lot in church that day, sitting on my pew in pain.

Before the preaching, my sister-in-law who has the voice of an angel got up to sing. She sang a song about wanting to know God and then I knew. All this time I wasn't looking for spiritual answers, just physical ones. This was the first hard trial (and nothing compared to most of you) I had ever gone through. People who go through things like this draw closer to God and learn so much, something I had been jealous of my whole life.

Now it was my turn. It was my turn to get to know Jesus in a way I never had before. I began to grow excited. The Holy Spirit knows what he's doing, and after she got done singing, Pastor preached a message about knowing God. Coincidence? Absolutely not!

I had officially changed my perspective. Not only had this been a physically and emotionally dark time in my life, it was a spiritual one too. The next morning I sat out in the sunshine reading my Bible and praising Jesus. He spoke to me so much that day. Since then I've been devouring God's Word and learning so much like never before. Because for the first time in my life I needed to "KNOW GOD." I had read my Bible since I knew how to read, but never like this.

Throughout that week, my back started to feel better. I met with a surgeon that week to discuss my options. Epidural or cortisone shot, which had a 70% chance of healing me. Or surgery, which was the last and final option. 2 weeks ago I would have scheduled it. Now my back was feeling much better and he said we would wait and he would see me back in a few weeks.

All this time, my sisters were here and I was able to rest for a full month. By the time I saw him again, the month was over. I am so excited to tell you that I felt like a new woman. The only thing I felt was nagging lower back pain. Not the excruciating, sharp disk pain that I had dealt with for over 6 months. The words he spoke to me brought tears to my eyes.

"Once that sciatica (pinched nerve and herniated disk) pain goes away, there is a very high chance that you will never deal with it again. All your life you will deal with lower back pain flareups, but once the sciatica pain leaves it doesn't come back."

You should have seen my smile. Even though the pain was going away I was so scared for it to come back. Now I was being told it wouldn't!

As I left, he touched my shoulder and said, "I hope I never see you again. Have a good life!"

Weeks before I could hardly walk down that hallway. Now I felt like I was flying. I called my husband and family on the way home rejoicing. I felt like I could start life all over again. I was a new woman with a new future.

Do I still have to be careful? Yes.

Do I deal with back pain? Every day.

Is my right lower leg and foot still numb? Yes, and probably will be for a few more years or the rest of my life. The good news is I'm regaining strength in my right leg so that weakness isn't as noticeable.

I will deal with this numbness for the rest of my life if I have to while I snuggle close to my Lord and know him like I never have before. It's a nagging little reminder of what I've been through and how far I've come. God has healed me. Not only physically but spiritually as well. And I couldn't be more happy.