Playdough Fun
Pre-Mother's Day Photo--headed out to celebrate finishing school for the year!
Today, I felt that I couldn't wait any longer. Last month a little boy close to my hometown died of an aggressive brain tumor. Another little boy I heard of online was tragically struck by a car while playing frisbee. Last week, a friend found out her baby died 1 day after her due date. A perfect, full term beautiful little girl was still born into this world after already being ushered into Heaven, and while her family has showed immense grace and strength, the horrifying grief and pain they suffer is very real and unimaginable by those of us who have not experienced it. It seems that when shocking news comes, more shocking and devastating news seems to follow soon after, and that happened today. Suddenly, this suffocating urge to document my memories of this past month. Brooke's birthday, Mother's day, kids playing on the swings, making me play dough ice cream...the every day things that I take for granted that could all be shattered and gone in a moment.
Last day of school, 2014
"Here Mommy! Ice cream!"
The night before I shot a wedding a few weeks ago I came down with a horrible stomach flu. My patient, caring husband did all of my pre-wedding prep for me. He formatted cards, made sure I had full batteries and packed up all my lenses. Somehow in the chaos of me being laid up and him faithfully working on all of that, I lost several pictures that I had not backed up off of my cards. Somewhere in there were pictures from Brooke's birthday, along with many other every day memories. Her birthday was just a family affair with a few of her cousins here, but still. Her 7th birthday that I have a few cheesy phone pictures from and none from my camera. This isn't a big deal to some, but to my hormonal, pregnant self it was a huge deal, especially considering the news I've heard lately.
Thoughts of, what if it was her last birthday with us and I have nothing documented but a few grainy iPhone pictures? Her excited face when daddy rolled in her new bike, and cheeks puffed out blowing out her candles, her smile sprinkled with freckles from the sun? This is the worst way to think, and yet I couldn't help it. I'm more and more aware as time goes on of how fragile life is, and at any time it can be snuffed out.
First pool days of the summer!
And yet, I feel like this isn't fair to the parents who have lost their children, or are being threatened to lose their children. I think they would want me to live life without fear, loving unconditionally like the moments won't ever end. So I won't.
I'm not going to sit in fear that my 30 week baby could die at any time, just because another baby was ushered to Heaven in her 40th week. I'm not going to live in fear that my 4 year old son could get a brain tumor and die just because another 4 year old boy did. I'm not going to mourn over lost pictures just because it could be the last birthday we ever share with her.
No, I will not live like that because God has not given me the grace to go through what they are going through. I will most definately mourn with them, I will cry for them almost daily, I will beg God to give them the grace, to fill the void, to guide them on the journey that they and they alone have to travel. But I will not let it affect the life that God has given me to live right this moment. Yes, I am well aware that it could change at any second. Somebody could drown in the pool, run out into the street and get struck by a car, kidnapped, choke to death, or get a cancer diagnosis. Every single day when my husband leaves for work the thought crosses my mind that he might never come home. But you know what, I have to live trusting that if tragedy strikes, God will get me through it--and not before. For now, I'm living life to the fullest, living in this moment.
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